When someone we love dies........

[Cherill]

Hi all,

As most of you know, my ex partner and best friend Ken passed away recently. It hurt, of course of it did! The funeral was , well lets say that it could have much better, and after the wake I went home extremely angry and upset because of what was said and because of what wasn't said as well! That aside though, I had a thought this morning and I realised this happens whenever we lose a loved one (I know as I have lost six of them now!).

The normal process of grieving is shock, anger, upset and then memory. In the memory, we seem mostly to remember all the good things about the deceased, the niceties if you like. We feel upset because we have lost those qualities in that person (if you know what I mean). However, all the not so good qualities of the deceased seem to be forgotten. Yes, we may think of them, but then they get brushed under the carpet in our effort to remember the best of the deceased person. That helps us with our grieving process, to be 'nice' about the person. Today I realised that my friend wasn't always so nice or so perfect. It hit me exactly what, or who he was (although I still love him as a friend and respect his memory). That realisation suddenly made me feel so much better................. like a weight had suddenly been lifted off my shoulders, even though there are ongoing problems concerning the deceased and his family!

The relief must have been so obvious as well because my neighbour just said that I look 100% better today and it was good to see me back to my old self! Can realising the truth about a person be so theraputic? Is grief counselling (which I haven't had by the way - no need!) pointing people in the right direction when they say to remember the best of the person? I'm not so sure........................

Cherill

[Jane H]

Hi all,

I totally understand where you are coming from here Ches, I have spent a lot of time soul searching lately thinking about all the things that i have done for people in my life, both living and dead, One person that passed away a couple of years ago, was someone who i considerd to be my friend, i went out of my way to do things for them, for twelve years i helped them in any way i could, then when they had problems in their family, they all turned on me and i was used as a scapegoat and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me, this was the thanks that i got for being nice, The really nasty part was that nobody rememberd all the things that i had done for them and when i thought about it, i realised that all along, they had been a selfish grasping back stabbing bunch of users who never once lifted a finger to help me.

This doesent only apply to those who have died, its very hard to accept that someone you care about deeply, really does not give a crap about you after all and turns their back on you without you ever knowing why. Situations like yours and mine make you seriously consider things and enable you to see people for what they really are or were, People have a habit of being blind to their own bad points and will blame their flaws on someone else, saying 'you made me do it, its your fault this happened' Then comes the day that you realise that someone is not or was not the person you thought that they were, were not the nicest in the world, or you simply see things that you were previously blind to, I for one am at the point where i wonder why i ever botherd with anything in the first place.

Its suprising how quickly people can turn against you when it comes to the time that you see the real truth of someones character.

Personally i think that remembering the negative as well as the positive helps you to heal faster, its not healthy to only remember the good times, it only makes you grieve for longer and makes it harder to let go,

Whats that old saying ? truth hurts, well id rather be hurt by the truth than a lie, and ignorance certainly IS NOT bliss, it only makes you feel more foolish when you hear the truth.

Sorry to be so maudlin its just how i feel at the moment

[Cherill]

Hi Jane,

Jane said:-

totally understand where you are coming from here Ches, I have spent a lot of time soul searching lately thinking about all the things that i have done for people in my life, both living and dead,

Well, this is the right time of year to do this! Your pagan as well aren't you?

Yes, we are able to see people for what, or who, they really are but we still allow ourselves to be hurt by them! Why? Because we care. Because we have love! Be proud of that Jane as there are very few people these days who genuinely have it!

Jane said:-

Whats that old saying ? truth hurts, well id rather be hurt by the truth than a lie, and ignorance certainly IS NOT bliss, it only makes you feel more foolish when you hear the truth

WELL SAID! I totally agree.

If you need an ear............................

Cherill.

[Jane H]

Hi Ches,

Ches said...

Well, this is the right time of year to do this! Your pagan as well aren't you?

I admit that i have a deep interest in wicca, I have a book of shadows, I will also admit that I have cast some protection and cleansing spells and recognise most pagan sabbats, samhain,yule,oestara and litha, And considering that I made an Athame with my own hands i suppose that I am.

There is the other factor in this, in 1642, one of my ancestors was burned alive for spellcasting and conjuration of spirits, (In other words,Witchcraft)

Oh well im 'out' now

[brett]

oh arr - you never told me that - - i will have to be careful then or you may put the "hex " on me - have to start calling you Sabrina

[Ghost Searcher]

Hi Cherill,

I am extremely sorry to learn about the passing of your friend Ken.

I understand your feelings towards remembering him. None of us are angels and it would be hypocritical to only to see one side of a person.

I think we tend only say nice things about them as they are gone from this world. We feel sorry for them as if they are missing out on life and we are the fortunate ones.

Doing what we do {paranormal} gives us another insight into life and death though, whilst others see death as final. I think most of the people who are left on this forum see death as a state of transition to something/somewhere else. Something we all will have to go through but certainly not the end.

Funerals only upset me because of the reaction they cause in others, or if the deceased passed away too young or tragically. But I am comforted by firmly believing that they have not totally left us and don't have to endure the rigours of life on earth.


Take care,

GS

[wolfman]

Jane my love

you said

Oh well im 'out' now

You were never in chuck


Wolfman

[Jane H]

I havent been in for bloody years

[Cherill]

In what, may I ask?

[Jane H]

The only thing i have been in lately is the s**t, Its just the depth that varies from day to day